Letting go . . . ever so slightly . . .

Right now, Neal is sleeping in his crib in his own bedroom . . . Last night I decided that it was time to try to have him fall asleep on his own and sleep in his room so that I didn't wake up with every little noise and feed him immediately, and hopefully he will sleep for longer stretches at night. He's been in a bassinet next to our bed his whole life, except when my mom was here watching him the first week, and the nights in the hospital when I wouldn't even put him down because I wanted to feel him close to me and stare in awe of him all night. But now, he's in there, all alone, with the monitor so that I can hear him crying if he really needs me, but not every little grunt and squirm (ok, his noises aren't so little, and he makes them so much! My mom says out of all of her children and grandchildren, he is the noisiest sleeper). Anyway, I miss him so much! His little angelic face . . . Last night we were driving home from our friends' house, and I was telling Jon how sad it was for me to think of him all alone in the other room, but we had to do it eventually, and it would just be harder on him if we wait longer . . . basically, I started crying and professing my love all over again for my sweet baby. I just love him so much, and want him to know it, and I actually love waking up with him to feed him at night. So weird? It's completely true. I just nap when he naps during the day so I'm well rested, and I get special quiet time with him with no distractions. Jon gave him a bath, and then we read him a story and sang him songs, and then I laid him down still awake but sleepy. He proceeded to immediately poop. I left to ask Jon if I was a bad mother to not want to change him because we'd totally wake him up and have to start all over. He said yes, and that he needed to be changed. So, I walked back in and he was just laying there looking around all peacefully with his little angel eyes. After staring at him for a good minute, I changed him which caused him to scream and get all riled up, rocked him and sang him more songs, and laid him back down, again sleepy but awake. That was an hour and a half ago, and I haven't had to go in there once, he never cried! Now I'm going to bed, so heartbroken with the empty bassinet next to me . . . seems like Neal's going to be just fine, and if one of us isn't going to make it it's going to be me! These pictures are from last night when I was all emotional about being separated from him during the night . . . I got home and looked at his beautiful face and just had to capture the moment. I want to always remember how I felt!